cranky mama needs a nap

I thought I was feeling so much better. I patiently worked through the nausea, the dry mouth, the migraine, the oh-my-god-I-have-to-sleep. I accepted the six a.m. panicked sleeplessness and told myself it would pass.

And it did. I woke up a couple of days ago feeling really…good. Really good. Just-married sort of good. I thought It’s finally working! Yay!

Then today the baby just wouldn’t let me put him down without screaming, and I actually found myself wanting to shout at him. Shout! At a three month old! What kind of person wants to shout at an infant? (I didn’t shout at him. I picked him up again and rocked him until he went to sleep, because he was so obviously over-tired. But still.)

I’ve only been taking the Zoloft for about a week, so it’s possible I’m still not flying high on the seratonin express yet. Possibly I’m still somewhat depressed, just somewhat less so than normal. I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be not depressed; I’ve been like this as long as I can remember.

The thing I don’t want to think about: what if I’m just like this? What if I’m the sort of person who shouts at her kids? What if I’m just moody and angry and anxious and there’s nothing modern medicine can do to fix it?

Also? My arms itch again. No hives, but itching. Why? Why?