the baby, he screams

So, no therapy. The more I thought about it (and believe me, when you wake up at 3am every morning with your mind pointlessly racing, you end up thinking about things a lot) the more I felt that ineffectual, temporary therapy would be worse for me than no therapy at all. I mean, I’m a clever girl; if the solution to all my problems turns out to be as simple as breathing exercises and eliminating sweets, I can figure that out on my own.

What I can’t figure out on my own is whether the meds are making me any better. I think they are, and then I think they aren’t, and then there are days like today when everything was huge and unmanageable and all I wanted to do was lock myself in the bedroom so I could stare at the ceiling and not have to move. Movement is for people with energy, and I? I have no energy. I have anxiety, but that’s not really the same thing.

Happy Fun Baby is going through yet another screaming phase, which seems to have been exacerbated by the fact that his nap schedule has been erratic this last week (Not So’s 11 year old niece was in town and there was much out in our world). He had his four-month doctor’s appointment today and he made it abundantly clear that he was so over his stroller it isn’t even funny. The stroller clearly equals baby torture. I didn’t help matters by inadvertently under-dressing him for our excursion. Short sleeves and no jacket in 60 degree weather? Yes, I am a great mother.

So it was to the sound of a screeching baby that I discovered how very anemic our bank account is (another thing about visiting nieces: they’re expensive! I don’t think I really realized how much money is involved in entertaining/feeding/transporting an 11 year old). We are, yet again, broke, and I hate being broke. In the next few days I will have thought of all the ways our lives could fall apart due to my gross mismanagement of our funds. My brain, it is a fun place.

In the mean time I will binge eat, because I feel badly about myself and what better way to soothe my self-loathing than to offer it a brownie?