Yesterday sucked. I mean it really, really sucked. On a suckage scale of 1-10? A firm 15.8. A suckfest. A veritable suck-trove. I could go on.
The worst part was when Not So, upon coming home and finding his wife laying hopelessly on the bed in the middle of the day, suggested that since I was so unhappy at home maybe I should put the kid in daycare and get a job. He meant it like “You were happier when you were working, and I want you to be happy again.” I heard: “You are a failure as a wife and mother and should let a trained professional raise your child while you go back into the workforce, where at least you will be making some money.”
Torrential weeping ensued.
See, as it turns out, I want to be a good mom. I really, really want to be a good mom. Maybe that’s why I’m so stressed out by it – I’m putting so much energy into my kid and my new role as a housewife (even though that part = not my favorite) that I’m constantly running on fumes. But I still have things like school and the new business and my blogs, things that I have to do and I want to do, things that I like and that fulfill me on a while different level.
Obviously the current modus operandi isn’t sustainable. It doesn’t have to be: we will childproof and buy baby gates and unpack, so the house won’t seem like such an obstacle course, and we will get the office set up so we can concentrate on getting the business running instead of, you know, getting the office running. We will get the housework thing figured out. We will get our finances in better order so there isn’t so much anxiety at the end of every pay period. And the baby will eventually stop teething and start sleeping at night again, no matter how unlikely that seems right now (and did I mention I haven’t had a night with fewer than five wake-ups in almost a week? That might have something to do with it).
I don’t want a job. I want to stay home with my kid. I want to build a business with my husband. I want to keep my 3.9 and have more than 5000 page views per day on my blogs and keep my floors clean and fit into my pre-baby clothes. And I feel like all that is right on the horizon, that if I just work really hard and slog through the hard parts (of which this is one) then I’ll get there.
I feel less desolate today, and somewhat more motivated (although still very, very tired…did I mention the sleep and how I’m not getting it? Because, sleep. I miss you, sleep. We could have had something. Why did you give up on us?).
Also, it isn’t fair, my going all vaporish and needy. I don’t want Not So to feel like he has to take up my slack. My, that sounded dirty. (Speaking of which…that’s another thing we haven’t had lately. Maybe I just need to get laid. See? I am solution-oriented!)
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