breakdowns r us

Yesterday sucked. I mean it really, really sucked. On a suckage scale of 1-10? A firm 15.8. A suckfest. A veritable suck-trove. I could go on.

The worst part was when Not So, upon coming home and finding his wife laying hopelessly on the bed in the middle of the day, suggested that since I was so unhappy at home maybe I should put the kid in daycare and get a job. He meant it like “You were happier when you were working, and I want you to be happy again.” I heard: “You are a failure as a wife and mother and should let a trained professional raise your child while you go back into the workforce, where at least you will be making some money.”

Torrential weeping ensued.

See, as it turns out, I want to be a good mom. I really, really want to be a good mom. Maybe that’s why I’m so stressed out by it – I’m putting so much energy into my kid and my new role as a housewife (even though that part = not my favorite) that I’m constantly running on fumes. But I still have things like school and the new business and my blogs, things that I have to do and I want to do, things that I like and that fulfill me on a while different level.

Obviously the current modus operandi isn’t sustainable. It doesn’t have to be: we will childproof and buy baby gates and unpack, so the house won’t seem like such an obstacle course, and we will get the office set up so we can concentrate on getting the business running instead of, you know, getting the office running. We will get the housework thing figured out. We will get our finances in better order so there isn’t so much anxiety at the end of every pay period. And the baby will eventually stop teething and start sleeping at night again, no matter how unlikely that seems right now (and did I mention I haven’t had a night with fewer than five wake-ups in almost a week? That might have something to do with it).

I don’t want a job. I want to stay home with my kid. I want to build a business with my husband. I want to keep my 3.9 and have more than 5000 page views per day on my blogs and keep my floors clean and fit into my pre-baby clothes. And I feel like all that is right on the horizon, that if I just work really hard and slog through the hard parts (of which this is one) then I’ll get there.

I feel less desolate today, and somewhat more motivated (although still very, very tired…did I mention the sleep and how I’m not getting it? Because, sleep. I miss you, sleep. We could have had something. Why did you give up on us?).

Also, it isn’t fair, my going all vaporish and needy. I don’t want Not So to feel like he has to take up my slack. My, that sounded dirty. (Speaking of which…that’s another thing we haven’t had lately. Maybe I just need to get laid. See? I am solution-oriented!)

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5 thoughts on “breakdowns r us”

  1. Some days are the pits, the one thing that helps me is to remember that the kid who is doing x.y.z today will have moved onto p.q.r. tomorrow!

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  2. This might be a double post, I tried to comment before but it didn’t seem to take.

    Anyway, just wanted to say that I’m so sorry yesterday was so suckful. And I know the desperate feeling of wanting to be a good mother. And from my vantage point you ARE a good mother. You’re a great mother. Look at that amazingly happy bouncy adorable little boy if you need some proof. You’re doing a great job, hang in there mama!

    And another thing, I’ve been a loyal reader of your blogs since the early days of your pregnancy. You may not have hit the 5000+ hits a day mark yet, but you’ve got at least one big fan cheering you on out here.

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  3. Sorry you had such a rough day CM. You ARE a good mom, a great mom, and my god just look at that beautiful happy amazing little boy for your proof.

    I’ve been a loyal reader since the early pregnancy days and I love keeping up with what you have to say. So while you may not have reached 5000+ hits per day just yet, you’ve got at least one big fan cheering you on.

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  4. I hate the PPD. Can we declare a moratorium on the PPD? I thought that once it was gone it was gone, and here it is, back again. ::seethe::

    Hugs back at you, sweets, and good luck at the eye doctor. I keep forgetting I can’t comment on your blog (I don’t have a Blogger account) but I’ve been thinking about you.

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  5. I feel your pain. I share your distress. I send you tons and tons of zen hugs to get you through this point. And it will get better. Yes, it gets worse and the ppd thingie comes back and back and BACK to the point where I’m going to revoke it’s frequent flier rights, but that goes away eventually. If I may humbly offer a solution that works for me on those awful no-good terrible days? Tonight after dinner and just before bedtime slip some baby benadryl in his cup/bottle. Rock and cuddle while he falls asleep in your arms. take some time to remember the good parts about him at this age instead of the overwhelming needs.

    and my girl is demolishing the bathroom again. And her nursery. I don’t even want to know where she is right now, but I’ve got to let her work this out of her system before we go off to see the eye doctor.

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