I may be terrible at math, but even I know that Jessica + two hours of baby-free shopping = bliss. So why did a trip to Macy’s to get a winter coat end up with nothing but a sports bra and a headache?
It started out so auspiciously, what with Not So taking the baby to the office and me frolicking all enencumbered-like through the store. How long has it been since I’ve been able to take the escalator? I used to love escalators when I was a kid. I ditty-bopped up to the third floor, where the coats live, and, after studying the sale signs, picked out an assortment of outerwear in my price range and started trying things on. My requirements were modest: a warm, relatively waterproof winter coat that did not make me look like the Michelin man.
This is where it began to go bad. Coats, as it turns out? Do not like breastfeeding boobs. I have ranted at length about my mammaries in the past, but let me take a moment to reiterate: I. Hate. My. Boobs.
Even the XL coats – of which, I would like to point out, there were depressingly few – were somewhat snug around the chestal area. If I dared to do something like, oh, pull my shoulders back, the coat would be so tight that it actually lifted up off my stomach. I have atrocious posture, so it’s not like that would happen much, but still.
I finally narrowed my choices down to two: a cute black Kenneth Cole Reaction coat with a down fill, and a Columbia Sportswear snowboarding coat in the unfortunate combination of light blue and gray.
The Kenneth Cole should have been the obvious choice, except for that pesky not-fitting-through-the-chest thing. I kept trying it on, rationializing, and then reminding myself how $100-some-odd dollars is a lot to spend on something that doesn’t, you know, fit. The Columbia Sportswear, on the other hand, fit gorgeously. It was warm, I had complete range of motion, and – glee! – it had an iPod pocket! You may not know this about me, but I am a sucker for an iPod pocket. So, Columbia Sportswear it is, right?
Wrong. Columbia Sportswear? Not on sale. I was understandably confused by it being on a sale rack and all, but the clerk set me straight with a “…” and some gum-snapping. I get that retail is a crappy gig, but seriously? The gum thing has to go. Also, appearing to be the tiniest bit interested when a potential customer says “But the sign says it’s 40% off!” would do wonders for said customer’s state of mind. I am not asking for actual interest. Just the semblance. Perhaps an anecdote about misfiling. Anything but gum-snapping and a blank stare. Pleaseandthankyou.
So, no coat for me. I did manage to find a sports bra, and my logic is thus: if I can’t find something to wear that will keep me warm, I will wear something I can keep warm in. Which totally makes sense, as long as you suspend disbelief wrt me + running.
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