My Favorite Parasite

2014-02-24 14.38.41Oh, babies. They scream and excrete and scratch you with their sharp little talons and yet you still just want to kiss their little faces off.

Take my baby, for example. She’s six months old now and has just discovered the exciting world of separation anxiety. Mean old mama keeps insisting on leaving the room (my house is 850 square feet in total, so “leaving the room” is somewhat relative) to do things like use the bathroom or get a glass of water, which obviously necessitates screaming. Mean old mama also feels compelled to put the baby down every once in a while, cruelly surrounding her with toys and playthings, so that she can use both hands to check email or eat food. Mean old mama wants to gently lay the baby in the crib when the baby is napping, and clearly that kind of behavior cannot be condoned. And sometimes mean old mama wants to sit down while holding the baby. Sitting down! While holding the baby! Have you ever heard of something so inhuman?

I took to the internets to see if there was any sort of six month mood shakeup that I’d forgotten about, because my memories of Ellison’s infancy are basically one big sleep-deprived blur, and also because I am currently so tired I barely remember my own name. I did find posts from people saying that their six month olds screamed when they weren’t being held. My people! Here’s what the internet suggests:

I would never ever leave a baby to cry in distress. I can’t imagine how any mother could actually bear to hear that distress. All my children and their children were picked up if they were distressed.
-“Most Helpful Reply”

Uh huh.

There is nothing wrong with holding your baby. That is the way things were meant to be. Personally I could not let my babies cry. This early they are learning to trust.

Awesome. So I should constantly carry the baby while somehow also feeding myself/showering/doing laundry/working? So that she can learn to trust and not grow up to be a serial killer?

Why are so many in a hurry to lose precious moments with our children? They grow so fast. The time I have spent caring for my children are the greatest moments of my life, even the middle of the night feedings. We as a society are often led to believe we need to force independance on our kids way to soon often leading to a neglect of their emotional needs.

Why indeed? I personally intend to neglect my children’s emotional needs as long as possible in order to make them grow more slowly. That way we’ll save money on school clothes. Wait, that isn’t what this is saying?

In the meantime, I’m off the parenting communities and on to bigger and better things, like learning to sleep while writing HTML. I’m pretty sure if I can get that one down, I’m home free.