a world of ow

So I bet you will be SHOCKED to hear this, but health problems don’t just disappear if you ignore them! I KNOW, right? It’s been like a year since I had The Pain (you may remember The Pain as having been diagnosed as ovarian cysts, and then re-diagnosed as you’re really annoying and should just go on Prozac to be more malleable, and then re-diagnosed as an ulcer, and then un-diagnosed as an ulcer because my innards look great, isn’t that good news? And then I ran out of health insurance and also it didn’t hurt for a while so I decided it was fine). WELL, The Pain, it is back. With a vengeance. I thought I was dying yesterday, and that’s not hyperbole. I actually thought something important had ruptured internally and that I would die of it, which would have been a relief because OH MY GOD THE PAIN.

It only lasted about two hours. Only. Then The Pain turned into just regular old non-capitalized pain, which is where I am right now. Hurts to move, hurts to stand up, hurts to cough, but if I’m very still it’s kind of OK. I’d complain somewhat more vociferously about how my entire abdomen feels like someone beat it up, but since I’m not writhing on the bed in acute agony I figure I ought to be pretty grateful.

Pain is stupid. Why couldn’t I be one of those creepy people who you can poke with knives and they don’t even notice?

So, to recap: in the last month I’ve had a nasty cold, two migraines, a two-hour Pain extravaganza and also my left wrist hurts like whoa for no discernible reason other than HA HA your wrist hurts.

YOU WIN, November.

UPDATE: I went to the doctor, who sent me off to have a CAT scan. So, see, I’m not TOTALLY dropping the ball here.

UPDATE #2: The CAT scan said (CAT scans talk, you know) that I do NOT have appendicitis, and also that I DO have ovarian cysts, and also that the ovarian cysts did not cause The Pain, because of reasons. HOWEVER, new Kaiser Doc is an internist & will be doing ACTUAL TESTS to figure out what IS causing The Pain. So yay. Ish.

cracking

Even though you can't see it, that finger? HURTS.
I am not flipping anyone off in this picture, but you can still see my poor wilting middle finger.

So I messed up my finger a couple of weeks ago. The left index one. I guess I cracked it sideways while I was lifting something? Sounds like a thing I would do, and in fact was a thing I did. Also: ow.

My point being, it still hurts, internet. Still. And I can’t crack it without blinding pain, which is just ridiculous, seeing as I am addicted to knuckle-cracking. Also, did I mention it HURTS? It hurts when I type. It hurts when I hold hands with my kid. It hurts when I point. IT HURTS WHEN I FLIP PEOPLE OFF. (Also, my middle finger – which isn’t even the one I hurt – doesn’t stand straight anymore. It sort of…wilts.)

Is this what getting old is like? BECAUSE I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL.

so. and stuff.

Yeah, so that whole ‘ulcer’ thing? Not so much. Gastro Doc and his Snaking Cameras of Doom went in and found…nothing. A perfect set of innards, with nary a blemish. A week later the blood work came back with the all-clear as well.

So, um…good?

I mean, good, obviously, but you know what would be better? If I didn’t still hurt so goddamn much. Seriously, figure out a) why I’m in so much pain every couple of weeks and b) how to make that not happen anymore, and I will be in a really fucking good mood. I promise.

(Actually I’m in a pretty good mood currently…but still.)

pinch

My neck is jacked. I blame two things: the umbrella stroller, which is just short enough to make me hunch, and my terrible posture, which…makes me hunch. As it turns out, there are nerves in my neck. Nerves which do not like to be pinched. My understanding is that a nerve is quite small. However, the pain. The pain is big.

Happy Fun Baby sounds about how I feel right now. He’s cutting a top tooth and apparently it’s somewhat uncomfortable because he’s been wailing for the past hour or so. Thing is, he’s really cute when he cries. The lip comes out, and the face crumples, and the chin – oh, the chin. There are different degrees of infant misery, of course, but the chin-trembling is just irresistible.

We were at Meier and Frank (soon to be Macy’s) the other day, Ellison and I. (Come to think of it, this was the day I fucked up my back – see how I tie this all together? You’d think I did this on purpose.) Upstairs in the juniors section (what, you don’t think I’m a junior? You want a piece of me?) Ellison charmed the pants off the checkout girls – one of them actually got off the phone (gasp!) to make goo goo eyes at him, and he rewarded them with several full-face grins (“Oh, he has two teeth! You’re just the cutest thing in the world, aren’t you? Aren’t you?”)

Then we went downstairs, where the exact same thing happened – only with a gray-haired, frazzled saleslady in an ill-fitting dress. She got all up in his face while I was checking out, and Ellison took one look at her and burst into tears. This is the funny part: as we were leaving the store we had to go through this maze of construction corridors, and every single person we passed remarked on how cute he was. While he was wailing his heart out.

The Sad!Baby face: gets them every time.

Note: he is older now, and the sad face gets more potent with age.

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