The Vampire Diaries S03E09 Recap

Yes, you caught me: I am totally skipping the recap for Ordinary People because yawn. I mean, whatever, you’ve got emo bad-hair Klaus and bouncy cheerleader Rebekah and an ENORMOUS amount of Original Vamp backstory (which doesn’t correspond with anything actually resembling canon) and, I don’t know, Mikael grabbing Damon’s heart (right there in the bar! Rude) and threatening to rip it out. Oh yeah, and Damon deciding that what Stefan really needs is a boy’s night to get over all that pesky compulsion. But you could learn all that from the previouslies. The only POSSIBLY compelling scene involves like 6 seconds of Damon shimmying on a bar, and there’s YouTube for that. MOVING ON.

This is the midseason finale, which means, of course, that there will be a dance. Isn’t there always a dance?

Continue reading The Vampire Diaries S03E09 Recap

TVD Primer: The Vampire Diaries S01E01 Recap

Wondering what this Vampire Diaries thing is and why you should care? Well…I can answer one of those, at least. Here’s the first in a series of some undetermined number of “primer” recaps that may manage to get you up to speed on the series (and will at least feature entertaining screen caps and the occasional pithy observation on the cast’s general state of undress).

Continue reading TVD Primer: The Vampire Diaries S01E01 Recap

The Vampire Diaries S3E7 Recap

Did I ever pick the wrong episode to start recapping. First off: Damon doesn’t take his shirt off. Not once. There are no lingering glances between him and Elena (this is solely caused by the fact that they have no scenes together) and almost no one makes out with anyone else. Show, what are you trying to do to me?

BEYOND THIS POINT THERE ARE SPOILERS.

Continue reading The Vampire Diaries S3E7 Recap

I am a person who watches the Vampire Diaries now.

Yeah. ABOUT THAT.

I swear I wasn’t going to watch The Vampire Diaries because A) it’s on the CW and B) it sounded like True Blood lite, but then I got sick, and I watched all the other TV in the world*, and there were 44 episodes on Netflix, which sounded like it would last me a reasonable amount of time.**

But then Ian Somerhalder was rocking the crazy eyes and the no shirts, and there was plottiness with just the right amount of silly over-the-top drama, and everyone was very impulsive and attractive*** and there was a lot of gothy techno. WHAT IS NOT TO LIKE HERE. I ASK YOU.

But, so. It’s been like a week and I’ve not only watched the 44 episodes on Netflix but also the latest 6 on the CW’s horrendous monstrosity of a streaming service. I am delighted to report that, three seasons in, Ian Somerhalder is still doing the crazy eyes and wandering around gratuitously shirtless. I will say this about the VD writers: they know their target audience.

But on an unexpected note, the show is actually pretty good. There are plot arcs. They develop interestingly and are solved satisfyingly. Plot twists are employed. Romances are thwarted. Mythologies are (mostly) internally consistent and retcons are few. Essentially, they do none of the things which irritated the crap out of me about True Blood. Which I don’t watch now. Because, dumb.

Also:

Look, it's the Crazy Eyes! What, did you think this would involve Ian Somerhalder shirtless? For shame.

As of next week, there will be recaps. Brace yourselves.


*Well, in the sense that we don’t actually have TV**** and all the other shows on Netflix looked dumb, or I watched them, or I started watching them and decided they were dumb.*****

**Except if you have ever MET me you probably know about the thing I do where I just watch and watch (or read and read) until there is NOTHING LEFT ANYWHERE and then move on to Wikipedia where I learn everything there is to know about whatever it is I’m currently obsessing on and AS AN ASIDE if there were a way to monetize my knowledge of entertainment trivia all our money woes would be solved forever.

***Except, ironically, for the male lead, Edward Stefan, who I can’t take seriously due to his very pointy nose.

****And in fact our television is ACTUALLY BROKEN, which our child believes is the biggest crisis ever OMG, except seriously, kid, you have an iPod touch AND I let you watch shows on my iPad so really.

*****Sorry, Breaking Bad.